Tag Archives: Planet of the Apes

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 7 The Best of the Rest #Spoof

THE BEST OF THE REST

image
The Fourth Kind (2022… and again in 2026… and again in 2027) 

The idea was just too damn cool. Unfortunately, the film wasn’t.

How we tried to like the 2009 original. That owl idea was just too damn cool. Unfortunately, the film wasn’t. By the way, the reboot(s) won’t be, either. Sorry to break it to you.

image
Final Destination (2022)

Same plot as the original… and the sequel…

Same plot as the original. And the sequel to the original. And the second sequel. And the third. Aaaand the fourth. But with new actors. $100,000,000 box office?

image
Hitcher (2024)

REBOOT!

The 2007 remake wasn’t that good, so, yeah… REBOOT!

© 2016-2021 Bryan A. J. Parry

CREDITS:

Cabin Fever: http://www.dreadcentral.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Cabin-Fever.jpg

Fourth Kind: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenna-busch/emthe-fourth-kindem-revie_b_342812.html

Final Destination: https://wall.alphacoders.com/by_sub_category.php?id=231695

The Hitcher: http://crypticrock.com/this-week-in-horror-movie-history-the-hitcher-1986/

Labyrinth: http://www.sbs.com.au/comedy/article/2015/11/30/disturbingly-tight-pants-family-movie-labyrinth

Harry Potter: http://aretheyoldenough.com/are-they-old-enough/project/harry-potter-philosophers-stone/

LotR: http://www.androidauthority.com/fellowship-google-free-574980/

X Files:  http://www.denofgeek.com/tv/the-x-files/38483/the-x-files-episode-1-spoiler-free-review-my-struggle

Back to the Future: https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn28374-back-to-the-future-does-physics-of-martys-time-travel-add-up/

Star Wars Episode I: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/film/star-wars-episode-i–the-phantom-menace/review/

Left arrow: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c1/Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome.svg/2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome.svg.png

Right arrow: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/47/Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome.svg/2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome.svg.png

Read again

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 6 “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” (2028) #Spoof

image

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (2028)

Following George Lucas’ death in 2027, a respectful period of around six weeks is observed…

Following George Lucas’ death in 2027, a respectful period of around six weeks is observed before the announcement of the most keenly craved reboot in cinematic history: Star Wars Episode I. Time to cut that cancerous mass, AKA Episodes I, II, III, out of humanity’s consciousness, burn every copy, and pretend they never existed. And this plan definitely wasn’t in the works for years behind George Lucas’ back…

Directed by J. J. Abrams’ protégé’s protégé’s protégé who was poetically born in 1999, the year Phantom Menace was released.

2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome_svg
2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 5 “Back to the Future” (20??) #Spoof

image

Back to the Future (20??)

How dare they will have going to have rebooted this classic!

Nooooooo. I can’t even bring myself to joke about this. But I just know it’s going to happen! Despite what Robert Zemeckis says, money talks; just ask Judas. How dare they will have going to have rebooted this classic! Sad face. Possibly justified as someone having gone back to the past from the future and changing the timelines in some kind of Star Trek reboot stylee.

No. Seriously. This will happen.

2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome_svg
2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 4 “The X-Files” (2025) #Spoof

the-x-files-revival-cast

The X-Files: the Amazon Prime Series (2025)

African American LGBT activist, Divinity Scully, and zany new-age Jew, Davina Duchovny

Once the new X-Files series (starting 2016) got cancelled after two seasons, it was only a matter of time before a reimaginized reboot would happen. Relive the story anew of the odd couple that was African American logical smart-thinking LGBT activist, Divinity Scully, and white middle-class zany new-age Jew, Davina Duchovny, as they investigate the paranormal — all at the tax-payers’ expense.

Note: this article was originally written in 2016, and the prediction about only two seasons of the new X-Files has actually come true!

2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome_svg
2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 3 “Lord of the Rings: The Series” (2022) #Spoof

image

The Lord of the Rings: the HBO series (2022)

Starring Sean Bean — who dies again.

After scrabbling around for something, anything to replicate the success of Game of Thrones (finished 2018), HBO finally hits upon the idea of a Lord of the Rings series(!) It’s time to go back down the Hobbit hole, but this time using all the appendices and flabby bits that Walsh, Boyens, and Jackson wisely left out of the film, in an all new, ten-episodes-a-series, eight-series epic. Starring Sean Bean — who dies again.

Note: this article was originally written in 2016, and this prediction has actually come true (kinda)!

2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome_svg
2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 2 “Harry Potter” (2022) #Spoof

image

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone: Part I (2022)

eked out with additional … source materials

For a new generation of kids and fans, J. K. Rowling’s world now eked out with additional previously undiscovered source materials, this will spark a new frenzy of pottermania. Each of the first six books will receive a two part film makeover each, with the final getting a trilogy — or a two-part trilogy, depending on the box office takings.

2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome_svg
2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 1 “Labyrinth” (2021) #Spoof

labyrinth1

will sh*t all over your childhood memories.

Labyrinth (2021)

Spurred on by the popstar’s recent demise, this is a hastily cobbled together “tribute” to the classic David Bowie flick. With none of the charm and wonder of the original, this film will shit all over your childhood memories. Possibly starring a female as David Bowie, and ever-young Elijah Wood (now 40 years old) playing 16 year old Sam (formerly Sarah, portrayed by Jennifer Connelly). 

The next part will be released over the weekend

2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome_svg
2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: Intro #SPOOF

Cabin-Fever

Using sophisticated NASA-style algorithms (read: guesswork)

It used to be that to qualify for a reboot or remake, a film had to satisfy two criteria:

  1. the original had to be a “classic”,
  2. a generation had to have passed since the original: Cape Fear (1962, 1991), The Hills Have Eyes (1977, 2006), Superman (1976, 2006).

Not so anymore. The appearance of Cabin Fever, a 2016 remake of a middling 2002 film, means all bets are off. And it’s not the only one:

Hulk (2003, 2008)
Fantastic Four (2005, 2015)
Death at a Funeral (2007, 2010)
Planet of the Apes (1968, 2001… 2011)

Using sophisticated NASA-style algorithms (read: guesswork) powered by the next generation software and hardware (read: coffee, boredom in my job), I have managed to foretell a 100% accurate schedule* of film and TV reboots for the next few years.

So put these dates in your daybook, because these films are coming to a cinema near you!

*At time of going to press: all changes to schedule are the result of a mishap with a DeLorean.

2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg