Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (2028)
Following George Lucas’ death in 2027, a respectful period of around six weeks is observed…
Following George Lucas’ death in 2027, a respectful period of around six weeks is observed before the announcement of the most keenly craved reboot in cinematic history: Star Wars Episode I. Time to cut that cancerous mass, AKA Episodes I, II, III, out of humanity’s consciousness, burn every copy, and pretend they never existed. And this plan definitely wasn’t in the works for years behind George Lucas’ back…
Directed by J. J. Abrams’ protégé’s protégé’s protégé who was poetically born in 1999, the year Phantom Menace was released.
the worst pandemic in a hundred years
After tragedy struck in the Autumn of 2017 forcing writer Bryan Parry (Bryan Parry) to cease work on his movie reviews blog, he had to rebuild his life. He was determined that 2020 would be his year, the year to relaunch his career and achieve success. Little did he know a global pandemic would strike. Can Bryan juggle commitments as husband and father, and power through the worst pandemic in a hundred years, to achieve his goal of online writing success, or will he succumb to the pressures of life?
Movie Reviews Blog (2020) is the long-awaited reboot of Film Movie TV Blog (2017) and the abortive reboot Film Movie TV Blog (2018). A slow-mover, the film sees Bryan slowly consolidate, expand and extend the reach of his blog, introducing new features along the way (such as social media channels Twitter and Instagram) and the Hall of Fame and Shame, and increasing production to upwards of two articles a week. His readership has increased massively, perhaps also helped along with his trademark touches of humour.
Not everyone’s cup of tea, Movie Reviews Blog is none-the-less the tale of how, even given hard circumstances, anyone can make progress. However, the story feels somewhat incomplete, almost as if the final act was missing. Perhaps the rumoured sequel Movie Reviews Blog 2021 (2021) will see our hero Bryan become a break-out success.
© 2020-2021 Bryan A. J. Parry
Back to the Future (20??)
How dare they will have going to have rebooted this classic!
Nooooooo. I can’t even bring myself to joke about this. But I just know it’s going to happen! Despite what Robert Zemeckis says, money talks; just ask Judas. How dare they will have going to have rebooted this classic! Sad face. Possibly justified as someone having gone back to the past from the future and changing the timelines in some kind of Star Trek reboot stylee.
No. Seriously. This will happen.
The X-Files: the Amazon Prime Series (2025)
African American LGBT activist, Divinity Scully, and zany new-age Jew, Davina Duchovny
Once the new X-Files series (starting 2016) got cancelled after two seasons, it was only a matter of time before a reimaginized reboot would happen. Relive the story anew of the odd couple that was African American logical smart-thinking LGBT activist, Divinity Scully, and white middle-class zany new-age Jew, Davina Duchovny, as they investigate the paranormal — all at the tax-payers’ expense.
Note: this article was originally written in 2016, and the prediction about only two seasons of the new X-Files has actually come true!
The Lord of the Rings: the HBO series (2022)
Starring Sean Bean — who dies again.
After scrabbling around for something, anything to replicate the success of Game of Thrones (finished 2018), HBO finally hits upon the idea of a Lord of the Rings series(!) It’s time to go back down the Hobbit hole, but this time using all the appendices and flabby bits that Walsh, Boyens, and Jackson wisely left out of the film, in an all new, ten-episodes-a-series, eight-series epic. Starring Sean Bean — who dies again.
Note: this article was originally written in 2016, and this prediction has actually come true (kinda)!
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone: Part I (2022)
eked out with additional … source materials
For a new generation of kids and fans, J. K. Rowling’s world now eked out with additional previously undiscovered source materials, this will spark a new frenzy of pottermania. Each of the first six books will receive a two part film makeover each, with the final getting a trilogy — or a two-part trilogy, depending on the box office takings.
will sh*t all over your childhood memories.
Spurred on by the popstar’s recent demise, this is a hastily cobbled together “tribute” to the classic David Bowie flick. With none of the charm and wonder of the original, this film will shit all over your childhood memories. Possibly starring a female as David Bowie, and ever-young Elijah Wood (now 40 years old) playing 16 year old Sam (formerly Sarah, portrayed by Jennifer Connelly).
The next part will be released over the weekend
Using sophisticated NASA-style algorithms (read: guesswork)
It used to be that to qualify for a reboot or remake, a film had to satisfy two criteria:
- the original had to be a “classic”,
- a generation had to have passed since the original: Cape Fear (1962, 1991), The Hills Have Eyes (1977, 2006), Superman (1976, 2006).
Not so anymore. The appearance of Cabin Fever, a 2016 remake of a middling 2002 film, means all bets are off. And it’s not the only one:
Hulk (2003, 2008)
Fantastic Four (2005, 2015)
Death at a Funeral (2007, 2010)
Planet of the Apes (1968, 2001… 2011)
Using sophisticated NASA-style algorithms (read: guesswork) powered by the next generation software and hardware (read: coffee, boredom in my job), I have managed to foretell a 100% accurate schedule* of film and TV reboots for the next few years.
So put these dates in your daybook, because these films are coming to a cinema near you!
*At time of going to press: all changes to schedule are the result of a mishap with a DeLorean.
I don’t remember now; I was tanked up on Goulash at the time.
This is quite possibly the most pointless thing I will ever write. So… Enjoy!
When I go abroad, I love to watch foreign telly. Even though I have very little idea what they’re talking about, I enjoy seeing the differences between our superior British TV and their inferior outlander television. Think hetheth etheth etheth from The Fast Show. But more than that, I’m a language-lover, and so I just enjoy hearing authentic foreignese.
I recently went to Budapest. One night, I sat up till the wee hours (that’s Scotch for “small”; I was in Scotland recently, too) watching a film. I enjoyed it. Even though it was complete bollocks. But I have no idea what it was called and therefore I cannot do my obligatory post-film ritual of looking up every little thing about it on IMDB.com. This is now driving me to despair.
If I explain the film to you, Dear Reader, will you please psychically intuit its name and let me know? I will reward you handsomely. Behold! 100 Hungarian florints!
No, seriously: I will send you this coin if you tell me the name of the film (I’m not joking). A whole hundred! I swear it by the old Gods* and the new.**
So, the film then…
- It was evidently a German film dubbed into Hungarian. It was like a crap German rip off of Hot Shots!. Yes, when you thought the spoof genre couldn’t get any worse: ladies and gentlemen, the German spoof.
- The lead character: white guy, long dark hair, slightly chubby, glasses. He mostly had a Rambo-style headband, but earlier in the film he was wearing a leather jacket.
- In one scene, a girl officer is crying, and the ?General offers a hanky from his sleeve. Except it was a series of multi-coloured hankies linked together like a clown.
- In the same office but ?a different scene (I don’t remember now; I was tanked up on Goulash at the time), random people from nowhere start pouring into the office and laughing at the protagonist. One guy dies from laughter and his ghost carries on this cruel spasmodic audible thoracic diaphragmatic contraction-based mockery.
- There’s an oriental-looking bad guy with a dodgy ‘tache.
- A Predator is hunting them and at one point invisibly slays the protagonist’s foes so that everyone, including the protagonist himself, thinks the protagonist is possessed of some psychic mage-like powers. This Predator eventually takes off its suit to reveal himself as __PLOT SPOILERZ__ a sexy female Vulcan.
- In one scene the bad guy is speaking down the phone to a guy who is copying the words down. Reveal: the guy on the other end of the line is SAT NEXT TO HIM. Like, lulz.
- After the protagonist (getting tired of typing this word already; how about “pr’ag”?) succeeds in his mission, they pour a trophy full of medals over his head. And he gets the girl. Wahey.
And that’s about all I remember. Good bye.
*YHWH, Allah, Zeus.
**Britney Spears, Jordan, Tom Hardy.
NOTE: It’s been six years since I saw this film, and I still can’t get it out of my head. Can someone PLEASE tell me its name??
© 2014, 2020 Bryan A. J. Parry