Tag Archives: spoof

HEATH LEDGER RIP #HeathLedgerRIP

This article was originally published the day after Heath Ledger died. It was my way of coping with a celebrity death that genuinely shook me. Fourteen years later, I repost it. Read the original editorial note below to understand what I was trying to do here. Enjoy.

Editorial note: A slightly surrealistic spoof of a tabloid article in the style of The Sun or somesuch. The paper is temporarily called The Fun.

–       Bryan A J Parry (23/1/08)

HEATH LEDGEND

ACTING HYPERSTAR HEATH LEDGER, HEREAFTER KNOWN VARIOUSLY AS HEATH LEDGER, HEATH, HEATH LEDGEND, OR “THE LEDGE”, HAS DIED. However, unlike in Heath’s blockbuster smash “The Brothers Grimm”, this isn’t all just a scam set up by conmen wiggling some duvet covers from the rafters and going “woo” a bit. He really is dead.

His brief but glamorous career saw him play such diverse roles as a knight in shining armour in the to be posthumously renamed “Heath Ledger’s A Knight’s Tale”. Whereas “Brokeback Cowboy” saw The Ledge playing the part of a gay cowboy who became crippled in a freak riding accident. And his last ever film, “The Dark Knight” (starring Batman, not Trevor McDonald as stated in yesterday’s The Fun), in an ironic twist of fate, has Ledgend play the part of the affable joker, a far cry from yesterday’s events, as nothing is less funny than dying. Life imitating art? No.

“The Dark Knight” will be on general release on pirate in the Spring. Turn to page 8 for your first six, free Heath Ledgend-shaped Bat-tokens.

The world of celebritydom was devastated.

Deranged racist Mel Gibson took a moment to reflect amid his hectic schedule of evangelising to say something decent for a change.

“As an Australian [and white], it is painful to hear of the death of a brother [and fellow milk-skin]. My thoughts and prayers, and the thoughts and prayers of my wife, my children, my church, and my fans are with him”.

Gibson, 52, went on to say how he is considering the viability of a bioflick based loosely around Heath Ledgend’s life.

“It will probably have him [ = Heath “The Legend” Ledgend] reprising his role as William Thatcher from ‘A Knight’s Tale’, but twisted and enraged by the death of his brother in my civil war masterpiece ‘The Patriot’. It’s probably gonna be necessary to computer animate it, and I’ve been talking to Dreamworks about this”. When asked if having a dead man star in his own production was even possible, Gibson shrugged his shoulders. “Tupac manages it”, he said.

“Why has God taken one of our finest actors from us? The Jews!!” Gibson added, in a moment of rare, frothy-mouthed passion, it has been alleged. Gibson was unfortunately unable to confirm or deny the rumoured outburst of rabidity as he was on a rally at the time, we assume.

Bruce Wallaby, producer of Home and Away in the 80s, recalls his memory of the late Heath: “I remember seeing this scrawny, blonde, mop-haired kid on the set one day. Thought it was some local kid trying to catch a glimpse of his idols. So I called security”. Only later on that evening, when Ledger had been released from jail, did Wallaby realise he’d seen actor legend-in-the-making, Heath Ledgend.  

“I’m deeply saddened. In Leith Hedger Britain has lost one of her finest daughters”, said Secretary for State, Jacqui Smith MP.

The PM was equally moved, saying: “Little Larry was only three years old. My deepest thoughts go out to his family at this time”.

The Fun newspaper urges all readers to fill in the coupon below with your name and address to support our “Legends Never Die” campaign where we petition the PM to put his money where his mouth is – not literally – and officially change Heath Ledger’s name by Deed Poll to “Heath Ledgend”. It’s what Heath would have wanted.

In other news, Heath Ledgend’s “Brothers Grimm” co-star Matt Damon was fined for speeding. He has accrued three Hollywood points.

© 2008, 2022 Bryan A. J. Parry

featured image from https://wallpapersdsc.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Heath-Ledger-4K.jpg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 7 The Best of the Rest #Spoof

THE BEST OF THE REST

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The Fourth Kind (2022… and again in 2026… and again in 2027) 

The idea was just too damn cool. Unfortunately, the film wasn’t.

How we tried to like the 2009 original. That owl idea was just too damn cool. Unfortunately, the film wasn’t. By the way, the reboot(s) won’t be, either. Sorry to break it to you.

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Final Destination (2022)

Same plot as the original… and the sequel…

Same plot as the original. And the sequel to the original. And the second sequel. And the third. Aaaand the fourth. But with new actors. $100,000,000 box office?

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Hitcher (2024)

REBOOT!

The 2007 remake wasn’t that good, so, yeah… REBOOT!

© 2016-2021 Bryan A. J. Parry

CREDITS:

Cabin Fever: http://www.dreadcentral.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Cabin-Fever.jpg

Fourth Kind: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenna-busch/emthe-fourth-kindem-revie_b_342812.html

Final Destination: https://wall.alphacoders.com/by_sub_category.php?id=231695

The Hitcher: http://crypticrock.com/this-week-in-horror-movie-history-the-hitcher-1986/

Labyrinth: http://www.sbs.com.au/comedy/article/2015/11/30/disturbingly-tight-pants-family-movie-labyrinth

Harry Potter: http://aretheyoldenough.com/are-they-old-enough/project/harry-potter-philosophers-stone/

LotR: http://www.androidauthority.com/fellowship-google-free-574980/

X Files:  http://www.denofgeek.com/tv/the-x-files/38483/the-x-files-episode-1-spoiler-free-review-my-struggle

Back to the Future: https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn28374-back-to-the-future-does-physics-of-martys-time-travel-add-up/

Star Wars Episode I: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/film/star-wars-episode-i–the-phantom-menace/review/

Left arrow: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c1/Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome.svg/2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome.svg.png

Right arrow: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/47/Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome.svg/2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome.svg.png

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Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 6 “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” (2028) #Spoof

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Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (2028)

Following George Lucas’ death in 2027, a respectful period of around six weeks is observed…

Following George Lucas’ death in 2027, a respectful period of around six weeks is observed before the announcement of the most keenly craved reboot in cinematic history: Star Wars Episode I. Time to cut that cancerous mass, AKA Episodes I, II, III, out of humanity’s consciousness, burn every copy, and pretend they never existed. And this plan definitely wasn’t in the works for years behind George Lucas’ back…

Directed by J. J. Abrams’ protégé’s protégé’s protégé who was poetically born in 1999, the year Phantom Menace was released.

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“Movie Reviews Blog” (2020) Review

the worst pandemic in a hundred years

After tragedy struck in the Autumn of 2017 forcing writer Bryan Parry (Bryan Parry) to cease work on his movie reviews blog, he had to rebuild his life. He was determined that 2020 would be his year, the year to relaunch his career and achieve success. Little did he know a global pandemic would strike. Can Bryan juggle commitments as husband and father, and power through the worst pandemic in a hundred years, to achieve his goal of online writing success, or will he succumb to the pressures of life?

Movie Reviews Blog (2020) is the long-awaited reboot of Film Movie TV Blog (2017) and the abortive reboot Film Movie TV Blog (2018). A slow-mover, the film sees Bryan slowly consolidate, expand and extend the reach of his blog, introducing new features along the way (such as social media channels Twitter and Instagram) and the Hall of Fame and Shame, and increasing production to upwards of two articles a week. His readership has increased massively, perhaps also helped along with his trademark touches of humour.

Not everyone’s cup of tea, Movie Reviews Blog is none-the-less the tale of how, even given hard circumstances, anyone can make progress. However, the story feels somewhat incomplete, almost as if the final act was missing. Perhaps the rumoured sequel Movie Reviews Blog 2021 (2021) will see our hero Bryan become a break-out success.

3/5

© 2020-2021 Bryan A. J. Parry

 

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 5 “Back to the Future” (20??) #Spoof

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Back to the Future (20??)

How dare they will have going to have rebooted this classic!

Nooooooo. I can’t even bring myself to joke about this. But I just know it’s going to happen! Despite what Robert Zemeckis says, money talks; just ask Judas. How dare they will have going to have rebooted this classic! Sad face. Possibly justified as someone having gone back to the past from the future and changing the timelines in some kind of Star Trek reboot stylee.

No. Seriously. This will happen.

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Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 4 “The X-Files” (2025) #Spoof

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The X-Files: the Amazon Prime Series (2025)

African American LGBT activist, Divinity Scully, and zany new-age Jew, Davina Duchovny

Once the new X-Files series (starting 2016) got cancelled after two seasons, it was only a matter of time before a reimaginized reboot would happen. Relive the story anew of the odd couple that was African American logical smart-thinking LGBT activist, Divinity Scully, and white middle-class zany new-age Jew, Davina Duchovny, as they investigate the paranormal — all at the tax-payers’ expense.

Note: this article was originally written in 2016, and the prediction about only two seasons of the new X-Files has actually come true!

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Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 3 “Lord of the Rings: The Series” (2022) #Spoof

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The Lord of the Rings: the HBO series (2022)

Starring Sean Bean — who dies again.

After scrabbling around for something, anything to replicate the success of Game of Thrones (finished 2018), HBO finally hits upon the idea of a Lord of the Rings series(!) It’s time to go back down the Hobbit hole, but this time using all the appendices and flabby bits that Walsh, Boyens, and Jackson wisely left out of the film, in an all new, ten-episodes-a-series, eight-series epic. Starring Sean Bean — who dies again.

Note: this article was originally written in 2016, and this prediction has actually come true (kinda)!

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Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 2 “Harry Potter” (2022) #Spoof

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Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone: Part I (2022)

eked out with additional … source materials

For a new generation of kids and fans, J. K. Rowling’s world now eked out with additional previously undiscovered source materials, this will spark a new frenzy of pottermania. Each of the first six books will receive a two part film makeover each, with the final getting a trilogy — or a two-part trilogy, depending on the box office takings.

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Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 1 “Labyrinth” (2021) #Spoof

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will sh*t all over your childhood memories.

Labyrinth (2021)

Spurred on by the popstar’s recent demise, this is a hastily cobbled together “tribute” to the classic David Bowie flick. With none of the charm and wonder of the original, this film will shit all over your childhood memories. Possibly starring a female as David Bowie, and ever-young Elijah Wood (now 40 years old) playing 16 year old Sam (formerly Sarah, portrayed by Jennifer Connelly). 

The next part will be released over the weekend

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Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: Intro #SPOOF

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Using sophisticated NASA-style algorithms (read: guesswork)

It used to be that to qualify for a reboot or remake, a film had to satisfy two criteria:

  1. the original had to be a “classic”,
  2. a generation had to have passed since the original: Cape Fear (1962, 1991), The Hills Have Eyes (1977, 2006), Superman (1976, 2006).

Not so anymore. The appearance of Cabin Fever, a 2016 remake of a middling 2002 film, means all bets are off. And it’s not the only one:

Hulk (2003, 2008)
Fantastic Four (2005, 2015)
Death at a Funeral (2007, 2010)
Planet of the Apes (1968, 2001… 2011)

Using sophisticated NASA-style algorithms (read: guesswork) powered by the next generation software and hardware (read: coffee, boredom in my job), I have managed to foretell a 100% accurate schedule* of film and TV reboots for the next few years.

So put these dates in your daybook, because these films are coming to a cinema near you!

*At time of going to press: all changes to schedule are the result of a mishap with a DeLorean.

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